Cingular Wireless...Worst Company Ever.

I just opened an $83.71 bill today from Cingular Wireless for an account that I terminated two weeks after I opened it, based on their deplorably bad service, and by whose contractual terms I owe them nothing. But this is just par for the course for my experience with these tools, who shall henceforth be referred to as the Worst Company Ever, or WCE for short. This final, insulting, straw is merely the continuation of a trend of storied incompetence that has defined my experience with WCE since their regrettable purchase of AT&T Wireless last year.

The very first thing WCE did was apparently fire most of AT&T's pleasant and efficient phone operators to supplant them with the slowest, most irritating, voice software I have ever had the displeasure of engaging. One now needs to navigate through five minutes of this astoundingly frustrating madness in order to find out if an actual operator is available; saying "operator" or pressing zero just makes the software reset back to the beginning. An acid bath might be more enjoyable.

Ah, but then there's the customer support they offered all existing AT&T customers--none of our web or retail services will be able to help you, and yet you'll be redirected toward them at every possible instance. If you ever want to change your service, your only option will be to be bullied into a new two-year service contract with a new phone from us. It's about as gentle and subtle as being pushed from a nest on the wall of the Grand Canyon. So I bit, signing a new deal and getting a free Motorola V220 camera phone, which I discovered to my great surprise sounded absolutely wretched, whereas my previous Motorola, in the exact same apartment, sounded just fine. So I arranged an exchange over the phone, because, in yet another astonishing feat of entrepreneurialism, WCE's retail stores can't handle products purchased online. I ship the phone back to them at my own expense, which they promise to credit and then never do. I am told that, upon receiving my return, my new phone will be immediately shipped from Atlanta, meaning four days of phonelessness, at best. After mailing the phone, during which interum I am paying roaming charges on my old AT&T account for every necessary call, which are many considering that I've just moved and am registering mid-year at a university and setting up in a new city, I am informed in my second call (in which I offer the UPS tracking number for my return), that WCE can't send me a new phone until my original phone is processed back into their inventory. This will take an additional 3-5 business days. I accept the disparity in information as a mistake, and continue in good faith to await my new phone which will put an end to all these difficulties. Accepting WCE's maximum time estimate, I hedge my bet and get a new phone with a new carrier, realizing that I can cancel the contract and return the backup phone if WCE gets their act together. I place a third call after two weeks of WCE phonelessness, once again offering the UPS tracking number of the returned phone. I am politely informed that WCE has no record of my return, and no plans to send me a new phone. I have, reasonably, had quite enough at this juncture and inform them that, as I am well within my opt-out period, I would like to cancel my contract, and explain in detail why. The operator (funny that you can talk to an actual human when you want to cancel service but not when you want to pay your bill) tells me how sorry she is while assuring me that this isn't how WCE normally enacts commerce. I accept her apology and ask that I be e-mailed and snail-mailed a notice of my account cancellation. I am told that that simply isn't possible, and that she has noted dilligently that my account has been closed, and her name aught be enough.

And so today, I get the result of WCE's efficient processing: not only did they fail to cancel my contract before billing me for a month's service and an activation fee, they are now claiming the balance to be overdue based on a previous bill I was never sent. If I had but the time, I would sue them simply for being so unmitigatedly worthless. But I don't. So now I have to waste personal time, dealing with their infernal software operators, to avoid being referred to collections by refusing to pay for a service they never provided.

So if any of you are new to the game, or looking to switch providers avoid these nimrods at all cost. I understand that mergers of this magnitude involve complications; these aren't complications; this is willful arrogance and stupidity. Spend your money elsewhere.