Tuesday, February 14, 2006

An Open Letter to Black Beans

Dearest black beans,

I sing a song of your body electric, of your low-carb, high fiber, saintly virtue—free from the ungainly taint of trans and saturated fat.  I raise aloft a frothing flagon of mead to your delectable, slow-cooked goodness, demurely cloaked by only a slinky sprinkle of diced green onion.  Black beans, as you exude the erotic perfume of rosemary, oregano, garlic, and the occasional diced turkey sausage, I know that  must be mine, now and always.

But black beans, I am but a weak, profligate man; you must forgive my dalliances with split pea and lentil—those hussies mean nothing to me, black beans, and in their presence I could only pine the more for your warm, caraway-and-basil-infused embrace.

I know, black beans, that we met long ere our love blossomed.  As you coyly nestled within a Chipotle barbacoa, your charm remained safely stowed away from my obdurate gaze.  Overshadowed by braised beef, salsa, and guacamole, you eluded my childish, cloddish understanding.  But now, dear beans, I should come to you were you immersed in the foul turpitude that is a writhing mass of kidney beans!  Lima beans, even, I dare say!  I would rescue your gentle soul from the clutches of those slimy hags!

Black beans, there are some who will assail our love, deeming it a transgression, a monstrous miscegenation.  They will say that we sin against our respective heritages; they will wonder why I could not have loved white beans, or at least have tried to mask your Nubian splendor with dull, white saltines.  Black beans, pay them no heed—they do not understand that I love you not despite your blackness, but because of it; that your blackness embodies to me the very presence, the chaste embodiment, of presence and life itself.

How do I love thee, black beans?

Let me count the very ways.



10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

S. raises a good question. Also, I think you would like Zembla. These people put black beans on everything. Never heard of the pinto, poor rubes.

Tue Feb 14, 04:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger JPS said...

S, these are the luxuries of the single man.

Vague, pintos are on the list of beans that may live, and may even be occasionally consumed when black beans and I are on the outs.

Happy Clear-cutting Forests for Hallmark Day to you both, btw.

Tue Feb 14, 06:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nightcrawler said...

Quite possibly the most romantic letter ever written to a bean in the history of romantic letters written to beans!

Wed Feb 15, 01:36:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, if you continue to disrespect the Lima beans,we may come to blows.

Second, what does a person with an advanced English degree do? Nothing good that's for sure.

Lastly, god do you need a woman.

Thu Feb 16, 11:23:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Someone, please, draw upon your inner fourteen year old male and tell me why, why, why; why are black beans delicious in Cuban black beans and rice, yet picked over in a bowl of black bean and corn chili?

Why?

Sun Feb 19, 10:09:00 AM EST  
Blogger Dublin Saab said...

Who in the hell puts corn in Chili?!

Mon Feb 20, 11:40:00 AM EST  
Blogger JPS said...

Because people are fools, Zilla. Because people are fools. And Saab, don't I recall you making a bit of black bean and corn salsa chili one year? Or was that some other Saab guy? Must be my boozy memory.

Tue Feb 21, 08:06:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dublin Saab said...

What you remember is me buying BB&C salsa. I have never made chili, ever, with anything, let alone corn.

Though, now that you mention it I do remember liking the taste of the BB&C chili on display at the show. However I did find the corn aspect odd. But that does now answer the question as to who... CaJohn, that's who.

Wed Feb 22, 01:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Saab: The corn makes it festive without interfering with the flavor. I especially like adding a can of "Fiesta Corn" to black bean chili because it comes with cute little bits of diced red and green pepper!

As for Wasabi peas getting all hot & bothered over the black bean affair, she'll get over it, and she will once again make her exit as dramatically as she makes her entrance, which we all understand is her true charm.

Mon Feb 27, 05:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Mama Moose said...

Something is blocking comments on the wasabi peas post -- it's even funnier. I haven't ever eaten any of them.

Sat Mar 04, 05:25:00 PM EST  

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