Happy Mother's Day!

Since we've been devoting a lot of our time here to Matters of National Import, and other such stodginess, I think all should instead join me today in wishing a fond Mother's Day to my mom, nurse extraordinaire, savior from starvation, and all around superstar kind of gal, Mrs. Karen Ann Smyczek.

In honor of those heady days when I was seven and had no income, and would make really crudely assembled cards out of whatever construction paper and glue was lying about the basement, I am hereby constructing an online Mother's Day card from scratch. I hope you like it, Mom.


Oh, a quick aside these people demanded that I link to their page in exchange for thieving their photos. No sense getting myself sued, after all.

We will begin your virtual MD with a virtual plant. Everyone knows moms like plants.


A Plant-Type Thing. 

Can't you almost smell it? It's as if it's right there in the house, except stuck on the monitor of Dad's Mac, and not flower-smelling, or anything like that.

Next, we're going out for dinner. This is your appetizer:


A Virtual Quiche, or Something Like That 

Actually, I'm not sure that you either of you guys like either quiche or greek salad, but man they sure looked good to me, and besides, those people at that web site didn't ask me to pay for stealing their pictures, and beggars can't be choosers, right?

Now we're on to the main course:


Delicious Prime Rib for Two 

Now I know for a fact that you actually like prime rib, so that one was a huge find, as such. Isn't it delectable? It's as if you could eat it, were it not an electronic image walled off by a glass monitor screen. Wow, wouldn't it be great to have a son who could buy you actual prime rib?

I tried to get you a picture of a glass of some Manischewitz to go with your prime rib, but every time I copied a picture of it, my computer started to smoke and crackle, so I had to delete it. Funniest thing.

On the way home, of course, you'll need to stop for some apple pie a-la-mode and a cup of gourmet joe. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Sounds delicious. Here they are:


The Obligatory Apple Pie A La Mode, with Gourmet Coffee 

What! You said that was ordinary drip coffee?! The outrage! Well, we'll have to get you some of that delicious chocolate-type whole bean stuff that they used to sell where I worked, but inexplicably stopped. Luckily, I have special powers to track things down. Here you are:


Those Beans you can't get at World Market Anymore. 

You may now virtually grind your own virtual beans and make your very own virtual coffee at your leisure.

Oh, not quite done with our day, are we? Well, if that first plant wasn't stunning and fragrant enough, if a bit inanimate and imaginary, perhaps you'll like this second one! Everyone knows moms like plants.


More Flower-Type Things 

Now, if you haven't been sufficiently smothered with kindness and gratitude, I have the final, creme-de-la-creme, coup-de-grace, granddaddy ultimate, end-all and be-all of virtual Mother's Day gifts. That's right. You guessed it. It's...three adult chimpanzees. I'm sure you'll take very good care of them.



What's Mothers' Day without Chimpazees? 

Okay. I have to admit something. Chimpanzees don't have anything to do with Mother's Day. I downloaded that picture about a week ago, and just couldn't find any excuse at all to use it. In any case, I hear they're highly personable and intelligent, if a bit difficult to look after. But you raised six children and are on granchild number four. How hard could a chimpanzee or three be?

Well, I hope you've enjoyed all of your gifts, and your actual material-world day is as lavish and kind as my cyber-holiday has been for you.

Love,
Jeremy.